The Pirate Years, Part VI: The Epilogue: 8(ish) Years Later

It's been a long time since I've been to this blog; I had forgotten that it was still live. That changed a few days ago when my almost-12-year-old daughter told me that she had been researching childhood cataracts, and, to her surprise, came across this blog...which is, of course, about her.

We shared thoughts, memories, and feelings about these early years of her life, when we still rode that roller coaster of hopes, disappointments, hopes, frustrations, hopes. It's been almost 8 years since my last post. With only a little encouragement from me, she decided to write the next installment herself.

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This is Joey, and I ended up finding this blog while looking for cases like mine. I approached my mom about it, and we ended up talking and wondering if I should maybe try to write an entry of my own. Reading over this blog is like reading someone else's diary, except it's only the parts about you. I actually do remember some of this, like the patching, the trial, the burning eye drops, but even though I might not remember some of it, it's still changed me both to read this and to live this. It was always a normal thing for me, to have one eye looking the other way.

I remember from the trial being constantly frustrated with myself and my vision. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was completely unjust to think this, I couldn’t choose how I was born, but then I was a five year old, mad at myself for my problems. I could barely see through those stupid glasses, and my ears burned with the weight of all the sets. I already had enough going on trying to make friends at school.

I didn't have many friends in kindergarten, because I was teased and rejected by other kids, but then the questions came. Little kids are more observant than most people realize, and brutally honest, sometimes bordering on rude. 'Is your eye okay?' Did something happen to your eye?' 'Woah. Did you realize that your eye is looking the other way?' And on and on. It began to stop slowly around 3rd grade, because people finally began to remember my explanation. And then there was the one thing that stuck with me for years. 'Hey, are you crosseyed or something?' One kid asked me that, and I was so mad, but it was just part of my life, I had accepted it. Imagine a 6 year-old having to explain that she had surgery and had a cloud in the lens of her eye every time someone asked. Every time, going up to 20 times a day sometimes.

As you can see, I still have amblyopia, though much less than before. I am legally blind in the left eye, and my right eye has slight nearsightedness. In elementary school, it was easier because the teacher could remember one name in 25 pretty easily. It was okay for a number of years, and I actually got a few friends too. Then came the dreaded, the terrible: middle school. All my teachers are still having to remember my name as having to sit on the right of the classroom, and to add to that, my English teacher had to go out for chemotherapy, so we had a couple subs too. In P.E., my teacher is really nice and understanding, so she allows me to not play the games, but instead run laps, and sometimes it seems like I actually get more exercise than the people playing the game.

The thing with ball games is that since I can hardly see out of my left eye, theoretically I have no depth perception, though in reality I do have depth perception, just it's slightly.. different than yours. Spheres are especially hard because of their curvature and lighting. I can actually throw and catch a ball pretty well, but only if I can get the right angle and it's lightly thrown.

I am dealing with questions and looks like: 'Why does she get special treatment?' 'Why does she not have to do the same things as us?' and I have had a deep discussion with a pretty nice kid, though he wasn't very able to follow the topic, never having thought about what it would be like with my vision. I have some really nice and supportive friends who have not minded it, and my teachers help with it when they can.

I want to find things that I can and like doing. I have learned to draw much better than the s-crappy art of my childhood. I love fantasy art and dragons, lots and lots of dragons. I love to read, swim, and rock climb. I have done a lot of things that I liked but didn't enjoy that much, and I have finally found the things that I really love to do, and will hopefully never stop doing.

One thing I've learned is that: If you force yourself to hang out with people you don't like or don't know, just leave. Once they exclude, bully, or ignore you, it doesn't make sense to keep on asking them to hang out with you. If they regret it later, it's on them. About 15% of the world's population has disabilities, and you shouldn't just accept them, you should embrace them. I know a girl with a heart disability, and she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. 

I hated the name 'lazy eye' because my eye is not lazy. It's true that one eye did and does look the other way. Yes, it was different and unusual. But that does not mean that my eye is lazy. I learned in 2nd grade that chameleons look in two different directions at once. Hence the term that I use now, my 'chameleon eyes.' I work hard to do my best at what I can do, and don't focus on what I can't do, or people who will not stop teasing or bullying me. With the whole coronavirus pandemic, just do your best. No one will blame you if you have a hard time working, or if you are stressed. It's a worldwide pandemic, no one will blame you. Now I believe I am beginning to sound like a greeting card, so I should probably stop writing.

I don't know how many people will see this, but if you do, know that there are always things you can do. My mom has had people contact her from all over thanking her for her writing. I want my writing to help people as much as her's did. Even having lived this story, reading this almost made me cry, and even though it felt so strange, I still thank my mom for writing these blog posts. It changed my point of view on things, and made me remember things that I didn't know that I remembered, if that makes sense. 

I don't know if this will continue or if I will just leave it up for the Internet to find. I hope that my story will inspire you, and that it will make your day a little brighter.